so maybe im just getting lazy in my approaching old age! or maybe this one is a shout out to the me who chatted on my cell phone while shopping for dinner items at trader joes - these dinner items were then transported via suv to my best friends fancy, new apartment overlooking pioneer square and seattle's skyline! yeah, i know, but im still totally slutty, so its okay! any-fucking-ways...

50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of

the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the

salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in

Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and

helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted

contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY

SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store

whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that

makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell

people that they're 'astronaut food'.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while

reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is

labeled black and white and insist that it's a

color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange

look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool

department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose

as a fashion dummy in clothes departments,

occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full

of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a

surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from

side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge

other shoppers whether they, too, can see the

'hidden picture'.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs

that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department

how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk

discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much

meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air

conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter

and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de

Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the

candy store, insisting that you lost a contact

lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of

panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong

voice, 'I see London, I see France...'

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new

pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking

two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play

'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling

keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle

Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which

leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked

buzz'.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether

they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.

36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the

fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand

them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and

someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every tv in the electronics department

to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant

the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if

anyone tries to switch channels on one of the

sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the

furniture department wearing a Navy uniform.

Occasionally run around in circles yelling

'scratch one flattop!'

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing

room attendant and scornfully announce that none

of them are 'leakproof'.

42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the

arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing

your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar

bills to provoke arguments over whether they're

real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit

on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring

in department stores and say 'Domino's.'

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while

occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your

back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand

to know 'whether they've seen this man.'

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return

fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,

and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.